Sunday, October 19, 2008

The List of Usual Suspects - Whodunnit

As some of you remember, news broke last Friday of the horrific crime committed at the Monk home. Over the weekend the victim was identified as:

Ballerina Barbie - She was a well-known ballet instructor and mentor to Kelly. Kelly, who is at this time a pre-teen and full of the usual pre-teen angst, is of course devastated and could not be reached for comment.

The Momma Police put together a line up over the weekend and the list of suspects are as follows:

Harley the Beast - A juvenile offender with an extensive rap sheet that includes crimes such as:
- couch chewing
-clothes shredding
-toy mangling
-trash eating
and multiple citations for excessive barking and jumping on strangers.

Color - Chocolate brown
Weight - 101 lbs.
Age - 1 year

Gigi the Gray
- a small time offender with an penchant for chewing cords to electronic devices, specifically iPod varieties. Crimes are:

- chewing multiple ear bud wires (approximately 12 offenses)
- chewing multiple computer cords (approximately 4 offenses)
- knocking over water glasses in the wee hours of the night
- general hatefulness

Color - Gray
Weight - 7 lbs.
Age - 3.5 years

Pepper the Ronni - another small time offender with an addiction to illegal substances. Crimes are:

- trash digging
- ingesting "tootsie rolls" from the cat litter box
- illegal consumption of dirty diapers
- small time bark offender

Color - Black
Weight - 46 lbs
Age - 9 years

Fat Otis the Goat - Also known as: Bloatis, Goatis and Fat Boy. Crimes are:

- Excessive drinking from strangers water glasses
- Attempted drinking of milk from cereal bowls
- gluttony
- general laziness

Color - Black, gray and brown tiger stripe
Weight - Do you really want to know?
Age - 6 years

Livvy the Louse - another big time offender with a long rap sheet. Crimes are:

- torture
- rope fetish
- writing other people's names on walls
- proficient in binding and gagging victims
- general mayhem and disobedience
- multiple noise violations

Color -lovely peach
Weight - 40 lbs
Age - 5 years

Here's the twist in the story. We are asking for the public's help in identifying the perpetrator. We realize this is highly scientific and completely legal, so please, feel free to cast your vote.

Who do YOU think committed this heinous crime?


the one and only, elisa said...

omg! This is the most hilarious blog ever im pretty sure! lol good grief

Sarah R said...

I see you got your sense of humor back on. Rock on, friend. Rock on.

Tressa & Mark said...

Have any of the suspects shown any unusual behavior? Acting guilty?

Kim said...

While the 5 yo looks to be quite destructive, I don't see the possibility of such damage being done by said 5 yo's baby teeth.

The pupperoni suspect looks to be a distant second on the guilt-o-meter. He mostly has a disgusting taste for nasty-smelling "food" (and although it's been years since we've had cats, the mere mention of ingesting "Tootsie Rolls" immediately brought back to my mind the actual smell of a litter box. Thank you.

Then there's Harley the Beast. He seems to have multiple violations relating to "destruction by chewing". I think he's in big trouble with a record like that. Book 'im, Danno.

sherian said...

One question...does Liv know how to use the blender?

mindi said...

Ha ha ha - it HAS to be harley. And wow does that look/sound like my house. I had to get a non-destructible diaper pail to keep two of the pups out of it. Of course one was Xena, my sweet girl, but the other is monstrous Roc. And boy can he make a mess!!!

Jessie's Girls said...

I put my money on Gigi; those beady eyes, he could be capable of anything. I would hardly expect one so young as Harley to be guilty of such a heinous crime. Just one look at his eyes should clear him of all suspicion. I hope Kelly will not give up on her dream of having a waistline that is 50% smaller than her bust and hips.

Jill said...

I voted that it MUST be Harley, but while I know it was wrong for him to do it, I want to applaud him. Any "girl" who looks like that should be destroyed! She makes the rest of us look bad! Good for you, Harley! (My apologies to the next of kin of above-mentioned "girl").

CArla said...

Knowing Liv, I vote for her (but I really think it was Harley).