Thursday, January 29, 2009

Doggone Silly!

Sis was trying to do her schoolwork the other morning, but Harley was determined to get her attention.

(And yes, that's a mini cooler in the background. It's a mini cooler for many mini trips! HA!)

He is Oh. So. Annoying., but he is a lot cute too. She's pretty cute too. I think I'll keep'em.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dreams Do Come True...Sorta.

So, I bought this journal for 50% off after Christmas at Barnes and Noble. It pretty much sums up my life in one sentence, you know. That's why I bought it.

Then lo, and behold, what do y'all think happened?!?!

It wasn't the whole house, but I'll take what I can get these days. Plus, it was another opportunity to show y'all my floors. I love them so. They make me happy. Not like chocolate happy, but happy nonetheless. I could sit on them and eat chocolate and be the happiest girl in the whole wide world! Eating chocolate, sitting on my new floors in my clean living room while writing in my new journal is what dreams are made of!

Now if I could just find that new journal....

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Floor Update and an Unsolicited Endorsement

So the workers finished the floors in the house last Thursday night. You would expect that I would have things tidy and shining by now, right? Wrong.

All sorts of mayhem has occurred since then. A certain baby has decided she needs to eat every 2-2 1/2 hours, the toddler has been holding her own Emotional Meltdown Marathon and Momma is in a funk of her own.

I blame it on January. Its bleakness knows no bounds. I'm finding I'm not the only blogger who thinks this either. I'm officially boycotting the rest of January. All 4 days.

Despite my wintery blues I do have a few pictures to share. They are not the most beautiful pictures of the floors, but you will definitely see that the teal green carpeting is GONE!



And just so you know...we didn't get a new couch...that is one AWESOME slipcover that I bought at Target (the best store EV-AH!!) and it's RED to boot! And if you didn't notice, let me point out the fact that the clock reads the same time in both pictures. Coincidence? I think not. It's broke and I have yet to get it fixed, but I love it so it stays put.

My living room looking into my kitchen. And no, my kitchen is NOT lemon yellow. Not sure why the yellow is so bright, but I assure you my decorating taste is not akin to that of McDonald's.

And now for my unsolicited endorsement ~~~~~~
These are only the best dang crackers in all of the free world! Oh. My. Word. I am addicted, my friends. The garlicy, cheesy flavor is almost more than I can bear.
It's not something you want to be eatiing if there's going to be extensive conversation at close range and/or if there is going to be any definite smooching in your future.
Because the garlicy flavor it doth abound!
These little triangles of deliciousness are on sale this week at Kroger as part of their $5 off of 10 items special. Only a$1.84 a box! I paid $2.50 for a box last week (that's how much I heart them!).
Run, my friends. Don't walk. Run and taste the garlicy, cheesy goodness.
They just might make January a little more bearable.

Monday, January 26, 2009

I'm a Wii-nee and a Big Hair Update - Literally

So we finally took the plunge and bought a Wii. Actually, we've been trying to take the plunge for the last 3 months, but haven't been able to find one of the pesky boogers. Those bad boys are extremely hard to come by!

Sis and I found one at Wal-Mart on Friday and Monk set it up Saturday night.

I now have tennis elbow.

No kidding. I have swung that stupid remote so hard that my elbow and shoulder are now killing me. And I still couldn't beat the 8 year old! I was also whupped by the 6 year old at bowling, but we won't talk about that.

The game is seriously addicting. It also brings out the HIGHLY competitive side of ALL of us. It was bad enough that Monk and I used to stay up after the kids had gone to bed and play Mario Cart on the Nintendo 64, competing until all hours of the night. But now? Now the aggression has come out.

Sunday night I was in the kitchen, doing something domestic I'm sure, when I hear my lovely golden haired Liv yelling,

"Punch her in the head! Punch her in the head!"

Do y'all suppose the Proverbs 31 woman would have let her daughters play Wii Boxing?

At any rate, addictive tendencies aside, I am impressed with the system as a whole. It forces fat parents kids to move and really does a lot for coordination.

As evidenced by the fact that I can already nurse the baby and play a game of tennis at the same time. Seriously.


Now for my literal Big Hair update.

Okay, so I'm still loving my sassy new red hair. However, despite it's lovely shade of crimson and good thorough hair is still Big.

I have finally begun my season of postpartum molting and within a few weeks will be pulling clumps of hair out of my drain the size of small rodents. That is if rodents had red curly hair.

These days I like to straighten my hair because 1. it calms down the "bigness" of it. And 2. I don't have to wash it near as often when it's straight because it doesn't look like a Chia Pet experiment gone bad.

If I wash my hair and then dry it, the straightening process is not nearly as tedious if I were to let it dry naturally. On a good day it takes about 1 hour for me to straighten my hair with the flat iron. If I dry it first (straightening with a brush as I dry) then I can let my hair "rest" for a while and then straightening with the flat iron becomes much easier and a little faster.

I bet y'all didn't realize my hair was so complicated, huh? And boring too.

Anyway, Saturday I did the whole wash and dry process with the intention of straightening my hair later that evening. Little did I know that after I dried it that I would be instantaneously sent straight back to the late 70's.

(I realize I am "dating" myself here....stay with me now)

I'm not sure how many of y'all watched Saturday Night Live back then. Heck, a lot of you weren't even born I'm sure! BUT....if you have ever been a fan of SNL you might remember that Gilda Radner created a classic character on there that will forever go down in SNL history.

Let me introduce you to....

Roseanna Roseannadanna!

And then there's me....

Her demented little sister. AFTER her hair had calmed down a little.

Now if that's not enough to make you drop to your knees and thank the good Lord for the hair he gave you then I'm not sure what is!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

LOST: Chocked Full of Season Premiere Goodness! And It's Something to Talk About Other Than My Floors

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I am lover of the ABC show LOST! Like who isn't, right?

Or perhaps fanatic would be a better word!!! And last night was the season premiere. Oh my goodness, it did not disappoint! I've never felt compelled to blog about a television show, but this one? Oh yes, it was worth some bloggity goodness! I just have a few thoughts lolling around in my head right now and I figured I'd throw them out at y'all.

-Was it freaking anyone else out that the folks on the island kept going back and forth in time and whatnot? So confusing and creeeeepy!

-And since when did Sun become such a hard nose? She's a bitter woman these days. And she sorta creeped me out when she was talking to Kate. I was waiting for her to pull some Kung Fu moves or something.

-Who do y'all think was trying to get the blood sample from Kate?

-Hurley buying the "I Love My Shih Tzu" t-shirt cracked me up! Hurley cracked me up several times though. You just want him to be your cousin or somethin'.

-What do y'all think Sawyer whispered to Kate before he jumped off of the helicopter? Something about his child perhaps?

-The fact that they took Locke's casket was also rather unnerving. How'd he die?

-Did anyone else jump when whiny Neil took a flaming dart to the chest? I jumped, but I'm glad somebody finally shut him up. Did you notice no one even tried to help him?! HA!

-I rolled when Hurley chucked the Hot Pocket!!

-Is Claire dead or what?

Really great lines of the night:

Hurley: "You know, maybe if you'd eat more comfort food you might not have to go around shooting people." Priceless. My new life motto.

Another Hurley line: "I need a cool code name." He's so adorable!

Sawyer: "Welcome back, Dr. Wizard"

Miles: "I think it's MISTER Wizard"

Sawyer: "Shut up"

Hurley's mom: "Why is there a dead Pakistani on my couch?"

Overall, I thought it was a good season premiere. Lots of tidbits, teasers, etc...and a few answers.

Oh my, Wednesdays are certainly going to be exciting around here for a while again!

What's your take?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Live Blogging the Mess!

So I'm coming to you live from my bedroom where I am currently imprisoned with my 4 smallest children. The sounds of saws, hammers and drills are coming from the rest of the house. The dust has my eyes burning and Charlie congested. I can't even begin to describe the amount of dust there is out there. I will feel compelled to write in it before I actually clean it up.

Let me just say how totally unprepared I was for this little venture. No toys, no crayons, no dvd's (Unless you count Walk the Line. Although I'm fairly certain my little ones won't care a smidge for Joaquin Phoenix's stellar performance) no drinks, no nothing. We are all sharing an old bottle of water we found on my nights stand from yesterday. Oh yes, we love our germs! Where do y'all suppose backwash fits in on the whole food pyramid thing? We do have 3 boxes of Girls Scout cookies for nourishment.

Thank you Jesus for the Girl Scouts.

As far as entertainment goes, there are a few baby toys, a dog leash, some breast pads and of course, the bed. I suggested sleeping as a group activity, but nobody's buying it. Too bad, I could've rocked that one right about now.

Grace entertained herself by holding a flashlight for the guy laying the floor in the little hall leading to our bedroom. Hope sat on the hamper that holds the cloth diapers and watched. Liv contemplated things she could tie up with the dog leash. Thankfully the baby was/is next to me on the bed in the bouncer or she might've been easy prey for my sadistic third daughter.

Someone started the rumor that Hope was poopy, so I did what every good mother does and asked Grace to smell her for me. She did so and then a rather perplexed look came over her face. When I asked if she was indeed fouled, Grace looked at me and said,

"It smells like Froot Loops."

I said, "What?"

"It smells like Froot Loops."

Liv began giggling and so did I. I thought for a moment and then I said,

"Wouldn't that be Poop Loops then, Grace?"

Fits of laughter ensued and then Grace begged me not to tell anyone that she thought Hope's poopy diaper smelled like a fruity Kellogg's cereal. I told her I wouldn't and here I am blogging about it. I'm simply sharing for historical and journaling purposes. Yea, that's it.

By the way, Hope's diaper was neither poopy nor filled with sugary cereal.

At the moment the girl's are complaining of hunger (apparently the Girls Scouts ain't doin' it for them anymore), Hope is brushing her teeth and the baby is gnawing her hand off waiting for me to nurse her. Oh wait!!! It's another momentous occasion that has happened while I am live blogging!


You all have no idea how that thrills me so! I love a thumb sucking baby and I haven't had one since My Boy and the Madgirl! I've tried keeping a pacifier away from her in hopes that she would do this. Let's hope it sticks.

Well, I'm going to try to go and sneak a few more pictures without looking like a creeper. There is a TON of work that has been done today.

Then I think I'll head to Target.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Today I Lost My Mind and Then Some

Today was the day that we started putting new floors in our home. Can somebody give me a WOOT-WOOT!!!

My excitement and enthusiasm for this day knows now bounds y'all. I have lived in this house for 12 years and for 12 years I have lived with teal green carpet. Teal. Really. While I am a lover of the color green, I absolutely loathe the color teal. Because I've looked at it for 12 years. I've vacuumed it for 12 years. I've re-vacuumed it for 12 years. I've cleaned every foul substance imaginable off of this teal green carpet and I've hated it for 12 long years. To say I'm happy to see it go is an understatement.

The contractor asked us, as they were ripping up this foul, stained ,teal green carpet, "do y'all wanna keep the carpet?"

I looked perplexed for a moment and then I went, "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!". In a rather maniacal sort of way.

Then I spouted off, " If I could I'd take it in the back yard and set it on fire and do a celebratory Happy Dance all around it! MUHAHAHA!"

The contractor smiled that smile people do when they think your bulb's a little cracked and chuckled with the mandatory polite laughter. I'm quite certain that after I left the room he pulled out his little notebook of clients and wrote "NUTS!" next to my name.

Anyway, while this day has been a looooooong time a comin' and I have been just beside myself with excitement and anticipation, apparently I've been in some denial as well. You see, my friends and family who have been through this process before kept telling me that things were going to be a mess. I was told all manner of mayhem would break loose once this process was begun. I chose not to listen.

So today I dusted my family room before the floor guys got to my house. Ha! The bookshelves and the television we sparkling clean before the floors were laid. Ha! Imagine my surprise when I came into the family room to inspect the finished job and there was no less than and INCH of dust all over EVERYTHING!!!!

Things kinda fell apart from there.

I had children running amok through the house, around the workers, leaving little dusty footprints everywhere. Cats were lurking about, the dogs were going nuts in the back yard and I was slowly losing my sanity.

I finally took Harley to a dog kennel and he will be taking a mini doggy vacation until Wednesday. Actually, this was a bright spot in my day. I also locked the cats in the garge-office-room-thingy. Where the litter is basically.

My sister watched Grace, Liv and Hope so I could do the doggy run and go to Lowe's and Home Depot. After Monk picked them up and brought them home I realized within about 2.8 seconds that it wasn't going to work. I packed them right back up and went and crashed at my sister's house again where we feasted on Pizza Hut and chocolate chip cookies. Because we are refined folk, you know.

Did I mention that I've been to Lowe's and Home Depot both twice today? WITH a baby in tow!

Tomorrow I'm blowing this popsicle stand until all the work is finished! You know, I may not be a smart woman, but I know when to get the heck out of Dodge!

But the day wasn't a total waste. I did manage to sneak in a few picture of my family room. I took some before pics and some during pics. I didn't get a shot of the completed room yet because they started leveling our breezeway floor leading to our family room and I couldn't exactly tiptoe through the cement, you know.

But I did grab a few photos for your viewing pleasure.

This would be our family room with the ugly teal green carpet BEFORE they started. And no, it's never usually this clean.

This would be our family room approximately 2 hours later. I kept secretly snapping pictures while the workers weren't looking and Madgirl kept calling me a creeper. As if. Amazing transformation, huh?

Oh wait, this isn't the family room! Oh alright, I confess....I just threw it in 'cause I thinks she's cute! And she has the most spectacular blue eyes ev-ah!

As soon as the dust settle I'll bombard y'all with more pictures of my new and improved home!! WOOT! WOOT!

But for now I'm now going to grab my baby and go lose consciousness, because tomorrow is going to be some kind of crazy!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A Girl and Her Chuck's - A Shoe Tying Tale in Pictures

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had something exciting to show her daddy.

She had learned how to tie her Chuck's and wanted so badly to show daddy her accomplishment!

First, she wrapped the lace around and pulled real tight.

Next, she made the bunny ears. She wrapped one ear around the other ear and through the hole!

Then she pulled tight again.

The little girl celebrated and went on to the other shoe!

She worked with great intensity...

What? It didn't work how it was supposed to!!

So she began again, this time using her tongue to increase her shoe tying ability. She knew her tongue could not fail her!

And it didn't. She and her Chuck's lived happily ever after.
The End.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My Sassy New Doo For You...

So, remember the whole hair coloring fiasco?? How could you forget, right? Stupid Michelle has bad postpartum hair which she proceeds to make worse by attempting to self dye, then re-dye, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Only to end up with Technicolor hair.

Well, my licensed-to-do-hair friend, A. has been really busy at her other job and I just didn't want to keep bugging her, so I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to look like a dork for awhile. No big. I'm used to that.


My awesome friend, Ann came to my rescue and set me up with her hair stylist! And let me tell you, my friends....she is a Hair Coloring Guru!!!

I went in and groveled at her feet, confessing my hair sins and pinky swearing that I would never attempt to self -dye EVER again!! And I won't, my friends, I won't! Especially not after she worked her magical Guru magic on my hair follicle folly.

The Hair Coloring Guru asked me what I wanted, but I willingly thrust my shaggy, pitiful tresses into her hands. I pretty much gave her carte blanc with the hair color as long as she stayed within the auburn/red color spectrum. I don't have the skin coloring to go blonde. And I'm way too happy to do the whole black Emo thing.

All I knew was that I wanted my hair color to be within normal range AND I wanted bangs. My forehead has been large and in charge long enough. Big enough to land and Air Bus on, my friends. 747's have been asking for permission to land for far too long.

Anyway, FOUR hours and a whole lotta foil later....I was a new woman! A sassy red head! And I liked it! Monk's eyes bugged out of his head when he saw me and the only word he could utter was, "wow". Oh, I do make him swoon.

And without further adieu....the new and improved doo! (Oh, I am clever with words today, am I not?)

The Bangs...and me trying to be a Poser.

Quick! Shield your eyes from the hair color awesomeness!

Now there's a shot that shows Guru Magic! Photo courtesy of my steering wheel. And no, I wasn't driving when I took the picture.

You can give the girl a new hair doo, but you can't stop her from bein' a dork. And what was up with my bangs? Apparently one side was having a seizure.

Even the Madgirl likes it. And she never likes anything I do with my hair. Yesterday I told her she should be thankful I was her mom. When she asked, "why", I simply said,
"Because your mom has the single most kickin' hair of all the moms in the 10th grade class!"
And I do.
So, tell me...whadda y'all think?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dear Charlotte

My Dearest Charlotte,

Six weeks have now passed since your spectacular arrival. Six wonderful, happy, tiring, fretful, incredible weeks. I'm already amazed at how the time has passed so quickly and I regularly remind myself to slow down and enjoy you moment by moment. It's so easy in these sleep deprived early days just to merely "function" and not take the time to enjoy these precious moments with you. That is why I write this letter. A simple note of this fleeting time and a reminder of these wonderful early days with you.

I can't express the love I have for you, sweet girl. It is a love that knows no bounds. I sometimes think my heart will explode with the love I have for my children and yet God allows me to always have room for more. What a gift that is! And while I know how much I love you, how much more does God love you?! It will always amaze that no matter how much I do love you - God will ALWAYS love you more! That is something I want to instill in you, sweet girl...the love of God. It is an amazing love that will fulfill you in your happiest moments and sustain you in your darkest hours. His love will always be enough.

You have been such a sweet baby! You've slept well at night, allowing me three and fours hours at a best sleeper yet! You were a little mixed up with your days and nights at first, but quickly figured things out and contentedly slept in my arms next to me for the first three weeks of your life. Getting you to go to sleep initially and getting you back to sleep after that first three to four hours is wherein the challenge lies! But I know you will eventually get over these things and probably be my first to sleep through the night before a year old! A momma can hope, can't she?!

Your tiny features and dainty little self has amazed me these weeks as I could never have imagined a child of mine being dainty (of course, your sister Liv proved me wrong there too!). Your name, Charlotte, means "little and womanly" and Anne means "grace". You have certainly lived up to your name thus far. I think your soft, downy hair is going to be a strawberry blonde color, even more so than your sister, Grace. You have finally started to fill out and I love that I actually have a little bit of cheek that I can kiss on now! I've probably kissed the right side of your cheek at least a four thousand times by now! Maybe five thousand! I love running my lips over your sweet, little head! Your sisters apparently love to kiss your head as well, which would explain the strawberry lip gloss I found matted in your hair the other day!

Speaking of your sisters, their love for you is amazing! Maddie and Grace always have willing arms to hold you and Liv is always asking to hold you (although you tend to overwhelm her if you cry). But Hope has been the most amazing of all. She loves you dearly and has been so tender and sweet, calling you her "Baba". That's not to say that she hasn't had her interesting moments with you as well. She loves to pat you on your head and a few times her pats have turned into slaps! Once you cry she gets this surprised look on her face as if she is totally innocent. Momma knows better. She also sat on you while you were in your bouncer the other day. You didn't even make a peep! Do me a favor, sweet girl....make a PEEP the next time your sister sits on you! And there will be a next time sweetie, trust me.

Your brother loves you from a distance. He has yet to hold you as new babies tend to make him a little nervous. Don't fear baby girl, he admires you every time he's here. He talks about your big eyes all the time. Mostly to say that you're finally "growing into them", but he means it in the most affectionate of ways! Give him a few months and he'll be tossing you around just like he does your big sisters.

I was very scared for you this last week when you were sick. Your congestion and cough were downright pitiful. When the doctor started talking RSV it was almost more than I could bear. You weren't supposed to get sick. You're a breastfed baby and that doesn't happen to breastfed babies. Momma had never had a sick newborn before and frankly, I'm SO glad I hadn't! I'm certain I would have fallen apart had I not had some Mommy Experience under my belt! But God was gracious to you and I both and you are now almost completely well! You had lots of people praying for you this last week, little girl! Even perfect strangers in the middle of the parking lot at Target. But that's a story the bloggy friends will get another day! :)

While I have plenty of hopes and dreams for you dear Charlie, my greatest desire for you is that you will know Jesus. Yes, at six weeks old that is what is on my mind. While you've been sick this last week, I've rocked you in the recliner and prayed over you, not only for your healing, but for your heart. I hope and pray that one day you will realize your need for a Savior and you'll give your heart completely to Him. I know God has amazing plans for your life!

Charlie, your momma and daddy aren't ever going to be the youngest, hippest or coolest parents around (although Momma's hair is pretty kickin' right now!), but mark my words little girl, you'll be hard pressed to find parents that love their little girl more than we love you. You are amazingly special in SO MANY ways, my sweet baby and I love you more than your little heart will ever know.

All my love,


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Really Miss My Bed and My Little Surprise That Doesn't Involve My Fertility

I have slept in our recliner for five nights now. Maybe six. I can't remember because I'm in such a sleep deprived stupor that my brain is on auto pilot and anything more than eating and going to the bathroom is just plain overload. And sometimes I forget to eat.

Charlie has been sick (along with the other littles) and because of her congestion and cough, I've slept in the recliner with her in the upright position on top of me while the vaporizer has hummed beside us. I took her to the doctor last Friday and the acronym RSV was thrown around. I've been around the block a few times on this whole motherhood thing and there's not much that scares me anymore. But this? This scared the jeepers out of me.

I'm happy to say she is on the mend, but unfortunately I'm not back in my own bed yet. I think she has become a little bit spoiled sleeping on top of momma every night and now just screams because she knows I'll do anything to get some sleep at this point. Even sleep in the recliner.

So much for my 450 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

I did get to sleep in my bed yesterday morning for a whole hour and a half. I laid down and I swear my head literally melted into my pillow. And if my body could sing I know it would have sang The Hallelujah Chorus when it laid on that mattress. That or Dancing Queen ~ just cause it likes ABBA.

Ah well, sleep is overrated anyway, right? At least that's what I like to tell myself in order not to weep openly.

So now you know why I've been a little AWOL lately. But I haven't revealed my big surprise-that-doesn't-involve-my-fertility yet. Do ya wanna know? Huh?

Some of you had some great guesses and Katie even hit the nail on the head!

So, here we go...

Can you guess from my picture what my first surprise is?

Maybe this shot will help..

Is that a New Fancy Camera (she says incredulously!) in that picture?? Why yes, I do believe it is! I do believe it is a Nikon D60! Oh, and a nice shot of my poorly dyed hair, to boot! (Which was masterfully cut and colored yesterday!! I now have BANGS!!)

I love my new camera, but let me just tell's almost more than I can handle right now. That little girl can twirl...let me tell you. It's gonna take some major work on my part to figure her out! But OH. MY. WORD. am I excited!!

And what do y'all suppose came in this box this last Saturday morning? Hmmm....

I was still in my jammies when it arrived, but that didn't stop Monk from taking lovely pictures of me...

Why yes, we were so excited some of the children danced on the coffee table!

Oh, look! It's a laptop in SPRING GREEN!! My color, y'all! Does anyone else think I look like a deranged, middle aged version of the Wendy's girl in this picture?? Pigtails are NOT normal for me. My hair was driving me batty and so I committed middle aged hair sin and did the pigtails thing. So sue me.

I bet you didn't know the Wendy's girl could party, huh? You should see her after she's had a few Frosty's!!

Oooooo!!! I just LOVE my new Spring Green laptop!

All manner of blogging and picture taking will now ensue!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Momentous Occasion!!!

At approximately 8:07 pm this evening a momentous occasion occurred here in the Monk household.

Something so special that it merited a special blog post all its own.

.........Wait for it....

.............................Wait for it......

Here it goes:


How did it happen, you ask?

She was sitting in her high chair after dinner, eating a Little Debbie Swiss Roll (What? Don't judge me.) when Maddie said, "C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E" to her. Hope repeated it back like she'd been saying it for years! It nearly brought milk chocolate to my eyes!

I stopped washing dishes, Monk stopped looking at his laptop and Maddie stopped mid-bite of her own personal Little Debbie Swiss Roll. Maddie said it to her again just to make sure and when Hope repeated the word, "chocolate" once more, we all began doing a celebratory Happy Dance right there, smack dab in the middle of the kitchen floor! Well, except Monk. I'm sure he celebrated in his head though.

I would have preferred her to have been eating a little better quality chocolate such as a Ding Dong or something, but lets face it friends, it was still creamy chocolatey goodness. I'm not gonna throw down over Hostess versus Little Debbie cause there's good and bad to be found in both.

(Quite honestly, I find that Hostess Twinkie cowboy dude to be somewhat creepy. I mean, how often does one see sponge cake wearing a cowboy hat? And that Little Debbie? Well, she's way too happy to not be familiar with a little smack of Prozac occassionally. They don't call'em "Nutty Bars" for nothin', you know. I'm just sayin'.)


Rejoice with me as my wee little Hope has passed her first milestone into womanhood! She now knows the official coping mechanism of millions of women everywhere!!

I just felt the estrogen level in our home rise significantly.

Poor Monk. He needs to learn to eat chocolate.

Or build a Man Cave.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Germs...They LIVE!!

Okay, so the snotty, hacking, feverish plague has arrived at our home. I have three sick children, I'm sleep deprived and starting to feel a little plague-ish myself.

Of the 3 sick children, one of them is our 5 week old Charlie. Believe it or not, I've never had a sick infant and it is rather freaking me out. I slept in the rocker recliner with her last night just so I could keep her upright. Needless to say, not much sleep occurred on my part. Every time she snorted and gagged I immediately sat bolt upright. It made for a fun night. A regular party.

So if I'm AWOL around here for a few days y'all can know that I am either:

A) Tending to sick children and haven't nary a second for blogging or eating Ding Dongs.


B) I'm feeling as if I've been hit by a Mack truck and left on the road for dead.

Either way I'm pretty much doomed. My bleakness is refreshing, yes?

Prayers are optional, but appreciated.

p.s I received one of my big surprises yesterday, but I can't show it to you because I need my other surprise to do so. Am I making any sense at all anymore?

p.p.s Christine had a great guess with my first hint by guessing an Aldi grocery is being built. Wrong, but great guess regardless. Trust me, when our Aldi gets built (sometime this Fall) y'all will be the FIRST to know. I'll even post a picture of me doing a Happy Dance in front of the store! Hopefully not with Technicolor hair.

p.p.p.s Am I getting annoying yet? I'm gonna give y'all another clue. Those who are my friends on Facebook and saw my cheat the other day are not allowed to guess! Okay, here goes.

Hint: It isn't easy being green. {{snicker snicker}} I just love being sneaky!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Me and My Postpartum Hair

Postpartum is an interesting period of time in a woman's life. When I took a looksy at as to the meaning and origin of the word, this is what I found:

(pōst-pär'təm) Pronunciation Key
adj. Of or occurring in the period shortly after childbirth

[Latin post partum : post, after; see post- + partum, accusative of partus, birth, from past participle of parere, to beget

I like to think I have my own definition.

adj. 8 weeks of emotional hell brought on by hormones seeping out of every dang pore in a woman's body after childbirth, producing such vast hormonal mood swings it causes grown men to weep like spanked little girls when asked the question, "does this make me look fat?".

Mr. Webster is rolling in his grave right about now.

While I haven't suffered the emotional turmoil I endured after Hope's birth (read: postpartum depression for a few weeks) I have had my fair share of hormone swings this time around. Not only do I have my weepy moments, but I also become rather obsessive over all things relating to my looks and body shape. Vanity never gets you anywhere, girls.

My hair is one of my obsessions. Perfectly coiffed hair is a quality all good Southern women should possess. I believe I read that somewhere once. Or maybe I imagined it.

Anyhow, at the moment my hair is not coiffed as much as it is puffed. Let me explain.

When I become pregnant a message is sent to the little follicle people holding onto my hair, telling them, " don't let go of the hair". These little fellas take their job seriously and hold on to every last dang follicle of my hair for 9 whole months! The end result is some mighty BIG hair.

Me, while camping this summer

Let me just say that in a normal, non-pregnant, non-postpartum state, my head holds enough hair for two people. Or so I was told by one hairdresser. Or five. So it's safe to say that when I am pregnant....I look like Sasquatch.

Me circa 1989 - Man, I loved the 80's. My hair loved the 80's.

So I've had the baby now for just over 4 weeks and I'm feelin' the frump. My hair is large and in charge, there's a fountain flowing deep and wide. Amen. It is dull, dry and just sorta....there. My go-to style is a big, fat ponytail and that's not the most attractive style for a 39 year old woman. Even if I have 6 kids and homeschool.

(At this point if y'all are sensing I've done something stupid... you're right on track...)

Anyway. With a wild hair in my hitch I decided to consult my friends at L'oreal. Because I'm worth it. I perused the hair dyes at Target, searching for just the one to give me that POP! Something that would brighten up the ol' hair doo just a smidgen. After selecting my poison of choice I went home to play beauty parlor.

I chose a snappy red color because with my natural brownish auburn locks I figured that would be the best bet in giving me some of that POP I'd been looking for.

I figured wrong.

Not only was one box of hair dye pathetically inadequate at covering my whole bushwoman head of hair, my hair turned a very unnatural color. A very bright red, coppery, orange color. Not attractive, my friends. It would work just fine for someone much younger. Someone who is...say... young, hip and artsy.

I'm more of the old, flabby and fartsy crowd.

And what made matters worse is that because I didn't have enough hair dye to sufficiently saturate my head, only the top portion of my hair was flaming red! My undercoat, so to speak, was an entirely different color.

Needless to say, the family noticed.

So what do I do? Do I consult with any professionals? Oh no. Because apparently I've taken an extra dose of STUPID pill for the day! I head back to Target, back to my friends at the L'oreal aisle and select not the same color to at least finish the job I started, but I now pick a lighter color thinking that I can somehow undo what I've already done.

Hair Dying 101 will tell you that AIN'T how it works, my friends.

But I proceed with reckless abandon only to unveil not a lustrous head of beautiful auburn hair, but something resembling a red headed Neapolitan ice cream cone! My hair is now not one, not two, but THREE different shades of red! That doesn't even include the stubborn gray hair that decided it didn't like any of the shades I chose!!!

Did I mention the fact that attempting to dye one's hair TWICE in one day can produce some painful results as well? I nearly howled when applying the second round of dye! My scalp was on fire and I was certain I had singed my esophagus from inhaling so many fumes! I just knew that my eyes were going to ignite at any moment and burst from my head like some sort of freakish roman candle, hurling my flaming eyeballs onto the bathroom floor! Imagine if you will, this crazed woman, clad in nothing but a t-shirt and plastic hair dye gloves running circles in her bathroom trying, in vain I might add, to stop the charbroiling of her scalp and to somehow increase airflow to her now suffocating lungs and watery eyes! A hard lesson learned, my friends.

So what's a postpartum, hair handicapped woman to do besides suffer?

Well first off, so as not to draw attention to herself she wears her hair half up and half down to church on Sunday. It somewhat hides the fiery red fiasco that has occurred the night before. It also discourages small children from pointing and staring at the scary red haired lady holding the baby in the back pew. And it's the only way the 15 year old daughter will be seen with her.

Secondly, she contacts one of her best friends who actually, you know, has a license to practice hair and begs her to fix it, fully admitting that she is in fact a dumb butt for ever trying to dye her own hair. Gracious friend agrees to fix Dumb Butt's messed up dye job and laughs hysterically. Oh yes, she loves me indeed.

I most definitely would have taken and posted pictures of the whole scandalous occasion, but my camera and computer are not on speaking terms at the moment (....but not for long....hint, hint, hint). So, y'all are going to have to trust me when I say I look ridiculous.

So as my punishment I now get to look like a trashy-bad-dye-job red head for the next few days until my friend, A. can bail me out. Needless to say I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. Besides, my scalp hurts too bad.

I really hate postpartum.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

What I Did on January 1, 2009

To get the New Year off to a tremendous start, I thought I would post my list of accomplishments for the day:

1. Slept in the recliner with the baby until 10:30 am

2. Did not get up from the recliner until 2:00 pm (that is some serious bladder control, my friends)

3. Ate Rice Krispie Treats for breakfast, at noon, with a Coca Cola chaser. We didn't have any Ding Dongs.

4. Watched not one, but TWO complete seasons of Reba. Oh that Barbara Jean makes me laugh so!

5. Ate Buffalo Garlic hot wings for lunch. Oh, and Honey Mustard ones too.

6. Didn't take a shower until 6:00 pm. I hadn't had one since last year!! (Wink! Wink! Oh, I do crack myself up sometimes)

7. Slathered my dry, cracked face with a vat of olive oil in some vain attempt to restore moisture to its old, wrinkly skin. But I'm not bitter.

8. Wiped Hope's snotty nose 1 or 357 times. With her pajama top. While she was wearing it.

9. Took all the ornaments off of the Christmas tree so Monk could remove it from my presence for the next 11 1/2 months. See, I was productive.

10. Made this list for you fine people.

I haven't actually thought of any resolutions yet. Obviously. Unless of course you count slouching around your house all day in your CLOTHES FROM YESTERDAY, watching old t.v. series reruns and eating junk food as resolutions.

If so, then I'm golden.

By the way, I have some very exciting news to share....but I'm afraid it'll have to wait until Monday. But because I'm such a giving person and I don't want y'all gettin' all up in my Kool-Aid about leavin' you hangin' again, then I'll give you a hint.

(And no, I am NOT pregnant again so don't any of you little sassy mouth friends or relatives of mine (you KNOW who you are) be leaving any smart remarks on my blog)

(Can one use parenthesis inside of parenthesis??? Did I just commit some sort of Grammatical Anathema by doing so??)'s the hint:

When they build it, it will come.

Teeheehee....I just love being all mysterious and vague. Makes me feel all Marlene Dietrich-ish.