Thursday, October 02, 2008

It 's A Den of Iniquity Really

I've heard many a preacher talk about the sights and sounds of Heaven. Streets of gold, robes of white, glorious mansions, etc... But I've yet to hear one talk about the smells of Heaven.

Can you imagine?

(I certainly hope it's not a floral smell, as those give me significant migraines. Of course, I won't have an aversion to floral smells there because I will be whole and the smell of roses or lavender or lilies won't send me running OR hurling).

If I had my say-so, Heaven would smell like a bakery! Oh yes, my friends. The smell of breads (perhaps manna bread), and pastries (manna danish, anyone?) and all manna-er of baked deliciousness. Without the poundage, that is.

A girl can only hope.

I think these thoughts whenever I walk into our Mrs. Baird's Bakery Outlet store.

Oh my. That place is a nasal assault waiting to happen. While I love walking in there because of the smells, I hate walking in there at the same time. Whenever I walk in, I begin to repeat to myself, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you, Resist the devil and he will flee from you".

Because we all know that white bread is the devil and refined sugar is his next door neighbor, right?

Somebody give me an Amen!

I pretend I have tunnel vision and can see none of the sugary goodness beckoning my hips lips. I don't see the muffins, chocolate donuts, cherry pies or coffee cake. Nope, they are not there. I simply buy my whole grain bread (and yes, I could make it, but I really need things simple right now), whole wheat english muffins and tortillas and march my fanny out of there as quickly as possible.

Thus, my fanny remains the same size when I do this.

So, the other day when I stopped in for some bread, bagels and english muffins, it was no different than any other trip. Tunnel vision was my friend. I will admit, I longingly looked at the Entenman's Chocolate Donuts for a brief moment and pondered as to whether I could justify them. But in the end, my conscience was victorious and those Sugary Devils stayed upon their Fiery Shelf from Hell!

What I wasn't prepared for was checkout.

Apparently, when one spends over $6 at the outlet, one gets to pick a free item from the Special Shelf. I usually never spend over $6 so I've never before experienced this particular privilege.

What's the Special Shelf, you say?

It is the Den of Iniquity, my friends!!!

It's filled with all manner of white bread and sugary sinfulness! Oh. Yes. It. Is. I wasn't going to take the white bread no matter if it was free or not, so that was not an issue. Then there were the pineapple pies and lemon pies. Ew, gross! Oh yes, I was going to be victorious and partake of NOTHING from the Special Shelf! Even if it was free!

And then I spotted them.

Quietly nestled beneath the pineapple and lemon pies. The little, white, powdery circles of sin. That's when their beckoning began.

"Micheeelllllle. Ohhhhh Micheellllee".

I looked around to see if anyone else heard.

"Me?" I quietly replied.

"Yes you," they mocked. "Come on, take us. No one else has. We're not THAT bad."

"Yes, you are," I loudly whispered. "You are! You ARE!!"

"No we're not. And you know you want us. It won't hurt just this once now, will it?"

I paused. They had a point. I've never taken from the Special Shelf before and it was just this once. I looked around for a moment and what do you think I did?

I popped them puppies into my bag is what I did!! Oh, yes ma'am. I'm nobody's fool when it comes to free donuts! Especially the powdered sugar kind!

Kind of reminds you of Eve in The Garden of Eden, huh?

Except instead of fruit I was deceived by a dang donut!

Blast you, Mrs. Baird!


TheMadMonk said...

My favorite is the BaManna Bread. By the way, next time get enough of those goodies so I can have a pack before the kiddoes devour them all.

Sgt and Mrs Hub said...

Did YOU get to eat any or did the kids inhale them first??

I have a very soft place in my heart for powdered donuts. I can certianly understand the pull! ;)

You are too funny, Michelle. Too funny.


the one and only, elisa, said...

hahahah funny funny stuff.

YAY you are finally back!! :)

Katie said...

Girl, you are hilarious! I love it. Oh, and usually, when I go to the Mrs. Baird's store, it's a $20-$25 trip. I've seen the special shelf and I know exactly what you're talking about. It's awful, simply awful!


Jedi Miller said...

Are there carbs in heaven? Paul should have gone into more detail i say. I had the same run in white the white powdered devils myself, Epic Fail on my part let me tell ya.

Jennifer said...

You are a hoot (as my daughter would say). I was laughing out loud. Glad you're back on the blogging wagon :)

Jeannine Lee said...

I work with both Entemann's and Mrs Baird's on their web sites - and - and my "excuse" is my need to support my client! I'm a sucker for the powder donuts and fried apple pies. You had me laughing all the way...I can soooo relate (especially the hips/lips reference).

Jill said...

In Heaven, and I have this on the authority that it is going to be a place where dreams come true, all white refined sugar and flour is going to be the healthiest thing there and will replace what will then be the evil food: steamed broccoli. I plan to indulge in the manna danishes and request that they be filled with yummy cream cheese goodness.

Bless your heart, I wouldn't have been able to resist either. I mean free? Who can waste free donuts?

Anonymous said...

I'm soooooooooo glad you're back. I've missed you so in the mornings.
Love, T.

mindi said...

This was so hilarious!!! Powdered sugar donuts, YUMMMY!!!

Anonymous said...

I just ahppened by your blog and I was laughing out loud when I read this! If this is any indication of how hilarious your writing normally is, I think I will have to bookmark this blog! *grin*