However, that joy I had at her birth has slipped away quietly. My love for her has not ebbed one bit, just my joy. Why? Because a darkness has come. I am suffering from some postpartum depression. I debated whether or not to even breech the subject because I know it can be touchy for some. In many circles it is the scarlet letter of Christianity. Some may feel it's a spiritual problem and that's fine. That's their opinion. I know otherwise.
It is not a fun place to be right now, but I try and rest in the fact that this is where God has me. I don't understand it and that frustrates me. I'm not unhappy, just sad. Does that even make sense? Sometimes that sadness overwhelms me and I just cry. Rivers. I've described it as this: others around me seem to be in technicolor; vivid, sharp and bright. But I seem to be in black and white. The color and sharpness have gone. Every day is not like this and certainly not all day long. There are some days where it feels as if it has left me only to unexpectedly get hit right between the eyes.
The Mad Monk has been the most wonderful, understanding husband ever when this happens. He just hugs me. He doesn't understand it either, but he says this is because he is a very cerebral person. He's right. He's never had hormones seeping from every pore in his body, so he wouldn't understand, would he? But he's always there when I fall apart. Always there to tell me he loves me and that it will be okay. And it will.
I'm hoping with some all natural remedies and time that "this too shall pass". But the fact of the matter is I'm smart enough to know it may not. I also have enough faith to know that God will bring me through this valley as he has done so many times in the past. The question right now is, what will I bring away from it? Will I be able to minister to someone else because of it? Will I not be so selfish and prideful that I won't allow others to minister to me? Will God be glorified in my sadness?
I can only hope and pray that even as I walk in this darkness right now, that I won't lose sight of that great Light, the only Light, that shines for eternity.
Psa 126:5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.