Monday, August 06, 2007

Postpartum Etiquette

Why would I do a post about postpartum etiquette, you ask? Well, it may have something to do with the fact that I have been seriously violated in this area several times over the past 3 weeks. I have to wonder what goes through the heads of not just strangers, but relatives as well. Do these people not realize I have hormones seeping out every pore in my body? I told The Mad Monk I must be wearing some invisible sign (to me) around my neck that says, "Please, feel free to insult me. I just had a baby."

So, without further adieu, I give you an important list of tips of what not to say:

-Never tell a postpartum woman that she has as much if not more gray hair than you. Especially if you are 60 years old or older. This prompts an otherwise dye-free woman into buying a bottle of Loreal Preference which proceeds to make the bottom 3 inches of certain parts of her hair an orangish-pink color instead of the beautiful auburn on the front of the box. On the plus side, it did cover 95% of the gray.

-If you're a medical doctor never tell a postpartum woman how bad she looks. Even if she has low iron and does look pale. This does nothing to improve how bad she feels or improve her mood swings. I think it states this somewhere in the Hippocratic Oath or something.

-If you work in retail and see a 30-something woman pushing a stroller and walking with her 14 year old daughter, never, ever, ever, ever have the nerve to ask her, "I know this may sound like a dumb question, but is it your baby or her baby?" She just might pull your bottom lip over your insipid little head. She also doesn't care to hear, "well, you just never know these days." She does know and doesn't appreciate the implication.

-If the afore mentioned postpartum woman has lost a significant amount of weight from the pregnancy please do not say to her , "so, do you plan on doing anything to keep it off?" Nope. She plans on eating like an everlovin' pig and gaining every last ounce back because she likes being overweight.

-If you are the 16 year old male child of an extremely weepy postpartum woman and she is pouring out her soul about the relative that implied she had lots of gray hair, please refrain from saying, "well, it does make you look younger." This would imply that she looked older before the dye job. This response might also force the postpartum woman to breastfeed in front of your friends the next time they come over.

-When a postpartum woman sends a picture via email of herself and her midwife please do not call her long distance to tell her she looks like she just had a baby because she is pale and that she looks bad. Especially if you are her mother. This might force her to cancel the plane ticket that she paid 200 bucks for to get you to her house for the next two weeks!

Alas people, I cannot make this stuff up. These are actual things that have happened in the last 3 weeks. What else can I say? I guess it just makes for good blog fodder. And a grouchy postpartum woman.


Anonymous said...

Michelle, I am laughing my head off. You are so funny! I just discovered your blog and am passing it on to my (irreverently funny) daughter and saving it to my "Favorites" list. Desert Lady in AZ

Michelle said...

Thanks DL! Glad you stopped by!