The Devil Yoga Update - Week 4

May I just say, not much has changed. I hate prenatal yoga. With a passion.

No, no, don't try to dissuade me from my decision. I truly hate it with every fiber in my whole, entire, cotton-pickin' being.

First, a few tips for the novice yoga-ee yoga-ite yogi bear yoga student.

1. One may not expect one's yoga class to be calm and soothing when one arrives suffering from all manner of Road Rage due to the ignoramus drivers that inhabit Texas roadways.

2. One should never eat Mexican food TWICE in two days before ANY yoga class. This produces a very unnatural chi. I'm just sayin'.

3. One should never wear undies that have shot elastic in the legs. One will achieve an atomic wedgie of magnanimous proportions. This is certain, my friends.

It didn't help that I arrived to my class almost 10 minutes late due to rain and moronic drivers. I walked in, interrupting the class of course, and was immediately mortified by the fact that I was late. This is not conducive to relaxing and finding my cool breath, I can tell you that for sure!

The class itself was not so bad this week. We focused on a lot of breathing. I've been doing that for the last 39 years, so it was pretty much a no-brainer for me. And it didn't involve squatting.

But I was rebel at certain points. Oh yes, I was.

I would NOT close my eyes under any circumstances! Nope. I'm just wouldn't do it.

I realize it is an exercise in focusing. I get it. I do. And I realize that focusing is an ESSENTIAL part of labor and giving birth. I've done it a few times and I know this. I had to focus my hiney off while in labor with Hope. It was that or die. I even CLOSE MY EYES to focus when in labor.

But I can't do it in a room full of strangers. So, I just look at the floor and hope the nice yoga lady thinks I'm closing my eyes and doesn't see me for the rebel that I am.

But the fact remained, through the entirety of the class, that I just didn't want to be there. I wasn't enjoying it, I wasn't relaxing and I hoped and prayed that we wouldn't squat or do the Goddess pose.

At the end of the class the nice yoga lady does this exercise in focus. She asks us to sit cross legged, with our eyes closed (ack!) while breathing slowly. On the inhale we are supposed to count one, exhale two, inhale three, exhale 4, etc... Get it? The catch is that while we are doing all of this breathing we have to keep our minds empty. The goal is to count to ten without having any other thoughts, but those of concentrated breathing.

If some stray thought does come into your mind (other than breathing) you are supposed to start over at one again. The point is to train your mind to concentrate on nothing other than breathing so that during labor you will be able to concentrate on your breath and not the pain.

Easy enough, right?

Guess what number I made it to?

One.

Yep. Every time it was the same...it went something like this:

Breath in....One

Breath out....oh man, this piece of pork in my tooth is killing me!

Start over.

Breath in...One

Breath out...I hope Monk saved me some avocado.

Dang!

Start over.

Breath in...One

Breath out...I wonder if I look pregnant or just fat when I'm sitting like this?

I kid you not. These were actual thoughts I had during this exercise tonight! I am, in fact, a prenatal yoga failure, y'all!

My ADD tendencies will not allow me to find my cool breath and that makes me sad. Or not.

Give me a swimming pool, give me a softball bat, give me a ping pong paddle, but for the love of all that is good and right, don't make me sit cross legged, telling me to close my eyes and breath!

So after class I told my chiropractor and friend, C. that I wasn't going to come back. Ever.

She laughed and told me that's what I say every time. She was right.

What's so sad is that I hate quitters almost as much as I hate prenatal yoga, so this is going to be a tough decision for me.

Hi. My name is Michelle. I'm a quitter.