We all face discouragement and disappointment at some point or another in our lives. It's just part of this thing we call living. Some seem to face the lion's share while others seem to coast through life with barely a bump in the road. And it doesn't make sense sometimes.
I'm there right now. I am both discouraged and disappointed.
I won't get into the whys or how comes. It doesn't matter. It's just the path I'm on right now. I'll admit, it's not fun. I'll be honest and confess that I've done (am doing) my fair share of crying and wallowing (Monk would verify that I'm an overachiever in this area). Some days are worse than others. This week, for some reason, has been especially difficult.
This past Thursday was just downright brutal as something we were looking forward to and anticipating just fell through. We've had a rough last few months here and this - this was going to be something good! But it was not meant to be. At least not now.
Now here's the kicker. I've been mad at God. Yep, I have. I've questioned and questioned and begged why at least a thousand times. And I still don't understand. I just don't.
But that's one of the down sides of this human life. We don't understand God's ways. Our frail, sin sick human selves just can't comprehend the ways of God. All we can do is know that He is Sovereign and as His children, He loves us. God's plans are not my plans. His ways are not my ways. I'm learning this first hand, the hard way.
I've asked God why I'm having to walk this path while I'm pregnant. I'm already a hormonal mess. Now take that and multiply it by, oh, about a thousand and that's where I am right now. A snotty, weepy, mood-swinging mess. I don't feel like eating, I'm having trouble sleeping, yet this is the timing God has chosen.
So back to the mad at God part. I confessed this to someone last week, thinking she would assume I was some hardened sinner ready to burst the gates of hell. Frankly, she was nonplussed by my confession. She looked at me and said, "okay, God's a big boy. He can handle it." I was stunned. She went on to give me some amazing insight and also kindly chastised me concerning my responsibility to obedience. I walked away believing I had just witnessed a Titus 2 moment.
My friend put me to thinking. And while I'm not yet at a place of complete acceptance, I realize that God is in this. He already knew I was mad and discouraged and hurt and disappointed and all the other feelings that have been coursing through my aching heart. He knew. He knows. He is God, afterall.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jer 29:11 ESV
I've thought over and over, "so many people have it so much worse than I do." And they do, but as my wise friend added, "does that mean that you shouldn't hurt?". Just because others are enduring more doesn't nullify the fact that I hurt. I'm human. I can't just flip a switch and turn off the ache in my heart. Trust me, I would certainly do so if humanly possible.
What it does mean though is that I need to throw myself at the feet of Jesus. I need to embrace the cross and count myself blessed that because of the sacrifice made there I have an Intercessor. I have a Deliverer. I know the Healer of broken hearts.
And so that's where I am. I'm learning to trust God. I'm a slow learner at best. As a matter of fact, my sinful self wants to fight it and do it myself. But I can't. I just plain can't. I am so physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted from trying to fight this trial myself that I can no longer endure it alone anymore.
And you know what? I don't have to.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matt 11: 28-30 ESV