Thursday, December 18, 2008

The STOR-EE You've All Been Waiting For....The Birth of Charlotte Anne

I mostly consider myself a mommy blogger. I write about mommy things, girly things and I say the word "breast" occasionally on this here blog. But because I respect the male readership of my blog, I would like to offer up something special concerning the birth story.

The male version. I am nothing if not accommodating. Here it goes, fellas. Enjoy.

I went to the birth center, yadda, yadda, yadda. I had a baby. Then we came home. The End.


And now for the female version. Grab a cuppa coffee or some chai tea and one, possibly two Ding Dongs (depending on how fast you read), sit back and enjoy.

I honestly didn't expect to have a baby on December 3rd. There was no secret intuition or Divine illumination occurring on my part. Heck, I was hardly having any Braxton-Hicks contractions, so why think birth was imminent. I was just a bubble waiting to pop.

Besides, my uterus and I were still not on speaking terms after our little skirmish the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and I was not ready to let - it - go quite yet.

I had a midwife appointment that morning and went in with no great expectations (anyone having visions of Pip and Miss Havisham?) other than for someone to say, "See ya next week. Hey, wanna go to lunch?". So it came as somewhat of a shock to me for Ann to offer to check me. She's a very hands off midwife (which I love and appreciate), so either she was just plain 'ol curious or she was trying to settle the Uterine Conflict of '08 once and for all.

I declined at first, being the martyr that I am, but ended up conceding because frankly, I just wanted to know if my uterus was being a tease or if it was actually, you know, WORKING. Much to my amazement, I was delighted to learn that I was already dilated to a 2! I was 20% done with labor already and I hadn't even done any heavy breathing yet!

You'll be happy to know that my uterus and I reconciled on the spot.

I did end up going to lunch with my friend Keri and I did have a few contractions. They were nothing substantial so I paid no attention to them. While driving home from lunch (around 1:30 pm) I had a few more, but again nothing substantial, so I paid no attention whatsoever. Around 2:15 I realized there was somewhat of a pattern going on. The contractions were low and in the right place for real contractions, but they were not the least bit painful so my concern for them was minimal if that.

Olivia had a dentist appointment at 3:10 pm and I seriously debated as to whether I should go or stay home. Not because I was in pain, but because 1. I was tired of hearing, "When are you gonna have that baby?" and 2. if this was labor I was a little concerned that my water could possibly break. Amniotic fluid pooling at my feet while discussing 5 year old molars was not my idea of a good time, my friends. But since I truly didn't think I was in labor and in the interest of good oral hygiene....I went anyway.

While Liv was in the back being tortured cleaned and polished I had nothing to do but sit in the waiting room twiddling my thumbs. This would be because there were NO Martha Stewart Living magazines to read anymore since the dentist got the new and improved, fan-cee office. You would think if they could afford not one, not two, but THREE state of the art video game consoles that they could give the mother's, a.k.a. the Holder of the Checkbook, a little bit of Martha to read! Sheesh people, throw the dog a bone!


While I was thumb twiddling I decided to get out my cell phone and time my contractions. I was more than a little disturbed to realize that my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and about 30-45 seconds long....CONSISTENTLY. For the first time that day I began to think I might possibly be in real labor.

Ann had told me earlier that morning that she had a mother in the beginning stages of labor, so I knew she might be busy. So I sent a text message to Keri (she works at the birth center) and asked her if this momma was still laboring. She informs me that there are now possibly TWO mothers laboring! This is the point in which a slight morsel of panic begins to set in, y'all. You see, the birth center can only accommodate T-W-O laboring mothers and if these were both birth center births (as opposed to home births), then that meant only one thing for me....

There was NO ROOM AT THE INN! be continued..........(and ducking from the things being thrown at the computer screen)


Jennifer said...

That's like those authors that completely leave you dangling at the end of a book...and the sequel isn't coming out for another 6 months!!!!!!!! Please say it ain't so......

Jes said...

that's not even right! Get us all hooked then stop....

on another note, I just watched the photo show your hubs made of Hope's birth ( it was on the birthing center's site). that was precious! thanks.

Reese's Pieces said...

Hey lady! LOVE your blog... just thought you should know I've been reading!

I'm one of the "other moms" that was laboring at the same time as you! (But little did I know I'd be in labor for-ev-er!) We were in your birthing class. Crazy, huh? Congrats by the way!

Don't leave us hanging for too long on this story!

JB and Cindy said...

So does this mean I have to hurry and punch out my story tonight so I'll have it done by time you end yours?! After all I did birth nearly 2 months ago as opposed to your 2 weeks. Love the story so far, please do go on... How was Target?

Keri said...


Anonymous said...

I can't believe you! If I had your number I would call you right now 12:53am and demand that you finish that story but I don't have your number so sleep peacefully and I guess I can wait for the rest of the story!

Vanessa D

Katie said...

Oh my goodness! I even got a ding dong, and quit in mid-bite!

Seriously, I love the way you write and can't wait for more.


Carla said...

It is a good thing I already know the end of the story. But I can't wait to hear it all again. Love you, you big meanie!

Anonymous said...

Ha! That's hilarious!!! You guys already know the end...she had the baby! LOL

Drew says you should write a book. hmm....